The LNER Encyclopedia

My train spotter friend decided to end it all last week and threw himself in front of a steam locomotive going full tilt. In the end he was chuffed to bits.

G'Day Gents

What a way to go.

Work this one out.

Another that makes me smile is BT and default other telephonic providers. With If there's a fault on your telephone, 'phone this number......... My question in return be how, it's on the blink?!

A motorhome driver reports to the police a driver who is breaking the speed limit.

When the police catches the driver the policeman asks "do you know why I've pulled you over"

"Yes I do" says the driver

"Well, its nearly the end of my shift. If I report you I have to go back to the station and fill out paperwork, which means I will be doing overtime because my shift will have ended and my tea will be going cold. if you can think of a good reason I haven't heard before as to why you were speeding I will let you off" says the policeman.

"My wife ran off with a policeman 20 years ago and I thought you were trying to give her back."

I'm walking down the High St. and this bloke jumps out from an alleyway and says, "Hey! Give me your credit cards!"

I told him, "No problem, mate. You won't spend as much as my wife does."

A pun walks in a room and kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

G'Day Gents.

manna

G'Day Gents

Some of those spiders look a little familiar here in Texas - although our jumping spiders are more "cute" (usually less than half an inch long), and our tarantulas are typical tarantulas - look bad but are harmless (have yet to see one wild). On the other hand I have seen black widows, and the Missus has been bit by a brown recluse...

And last year I had to kill a Western Diamondback (rattlesnake) before breakfast - I believe that makes me an honourary Texan!

Spiders, snakes, ugh. One of the bonuses of living this far north. Haven't seen a spider in 20 years. Snakes? We have garter snakes. You have to go looking for them (I don't) and they're small and harmless.

Yeah I went to Alberta for a week with business. 2 minutes outside and I had a sore throat! (it was November)

G'Day Gents

We have a large 'Red' spider, that live in holes in the ground (that isn't on the list) they only come out at night, so you don't often see them, you just have to be aware in summer if your walking about bare feet.

We get a few snakes, but not enough to worry about, biggest one I've seen lately was four feet long, crossing the road, when I was taking the dogs for a walk. I just distracted the dogs for a minute while it crossed the road, a five foot tall male Kangaroo, is more of a threat than a snake, and we get a few of them wandering around.

By the way, it 'Snowed' yesterday, 20 k's up the road, darn cold.

manna

May I just point out that the thread title is 'Made Me Smile', and that no photo of a spider will ever do that to me, however harmless they may be in the UK.

However, just to get my own back; I did see an excellent greetings card the other day. It showed a picture of a nervous young lady in an office and being interviewed for a job by a rather stern looking potential boss.

The speech bubbles were as follows:-

Boss: "Do you perform under pressure?"

Lady: "No; but I do a reasonable version of Bohemian Rhapsody".

Aaaaaand in that vein:

A young lady goes into a record shop looking for some Christmas music.

She tells the guy behind the counter, "I'm looking for 'I've Got Bells that Jangle Jingle Jangle' on a 12".

He says, "No, but I've got 'Balls that Dangle Dingle Dangle' on a 10”.

She replies, "Oh, is that a record?"

He says, "No, but it's not bad for round here."

G'Day Gents